Please Stop The Overwhelm: Part 2 How Do I Support Myself To Thrive In Music?
Written 5th August 2024 I am reflecting on my post I wrote over 2 weeks ago and just noticing how prescient my thoughts can be. Having being through a minor hell in the last while, being able to notice the signs of body distress without connecting to anything specifically. This is the challenge of poor interoception. You may ask yourself, “what is this weird word?” Let me quote from Dr Emma Goodall. Interoception is an internal sensory system in which the physical and emotional states of the person are consciously or unconsciously noticed, recognised and responded to. For example:
Please Stop The Overwhelm: Part 1, The Lies Of Pretending It’s a Business
Written 22 August 2024 Sometimes I wonder whether I am ever going to _NOT_ be overwhelmed by everything I have to do as a neurodivergent human. Trying to write this blog, out back of a small cafe in Upwey I have a shiny black raven cawing accusingly at me. Not quite sure what they are trying to say but it sounds smugly like “what the fuck to you know.” I just write that down as a way of just writing, getting back on track with the thought. I have a question to ask of myself, maybe it’s a question you want to ask yourself? “How so I make this life journey enjoyable?” Maybe that opens up another question, “Aren’t we suppose to be living the dream?” I was remembering that an old acquaintance of mine quipped at me, as I was waxing enthusiastically about starting my own cafe, offhandedly gestured to the chairs and tables filling his own cafe and said quite sourly, “Never make a business out of something you enjoy” The clear inference being that having to do something you love for income will suck all the joy out of it. I think I have come to understand there is truth in that. I popped into a two open mic’s last night to do a little promo from my upcoming single launch and was chatting to my friend Steve. He runs a pretty successful music venue and he said, “Nobody goes into music to make money anymore, no even on this side of it, (speaking about the venue)” Rotating is fingers around his right ear, made the universal sign of “you gotta be crazy to do this.” I guess we are all feeling somewhat burnt out by the state of the world, the constant barrage of media, the need to pump out social media “content”, the demonetisation of so many of the income streams for creatives, makes you want to hang your head and cry. I really wonder, often what is driving me to keep doing this? The statement of “Because I love it” is just inadequate. Really. It has got to the point where I have had to accept that I am not going to be able to make a living wage doing this, touring costs money, making albums cost money, merch costs money, promotion it always has and it always will. It is still expensive to make great music because making great music takes time and resources. Yes, I could probably make formulaic pop songs on my laptop from my bedroom, maybe that might help boost the bottom line, maybe I could sing covers in a band, earn a bit more but there is a deep artistic problem that is only solved by having the time and the emotional space to create really good songs. I get really confused when an online music coach says, “you’ve gotta think of what you do as a small business.” in reference to being a musician. I get the point, you have to invoice, sell product and promote and market: all those things are business-like activities, but it just doesn’t make economic sense to do what we do. The life investment will never be repaid and it’s something that can never be sold to someone else. I think we used business tools, but it is not a business. It is an arts practice, especially if you are trying to say something. Businesses are not really vehicles for moral and emotional discovery, their primary goal is to make money and I just can’t do what is necessary as an artist, even with an amazing team, to make this a “successful business.” I am having to actively reframe what I do and the next step is to find a way to support what I do, ( I am going to explore this in a part 2) because when it boils down to the basics, the core of it is in this: There is no greater joy than experiencing the feeling, when someone falls head over heals in love with something you have created. When the connections you make creatively fills a persons life with meaning, even for a moment. Whether it’s connecting with my singing voice, the songs I write or the sounds I make it feels good. When someone can relate to something I have created and I can provide a way for another human being to process an emotional state, it is an incredibly humbling and beautiful experience. I can’t make that a business and the overwhelm comes by trying to shoehorn the largeness of that experience into the cheap seats of the business build. I really think there are more questions to ask and more insights to arrive.
The Grind
CW: This post contains expletives, wry, dry humour and sarcasm. Update 28 May 2024 When I opened this older blog post, I was curious to read how I felt before I had representation, as not long after, I had decided to give up on music as a career. I think it is worth posting as a kind of historical document. It also really shows how being unmedicated for ADHD was seriously impacting my life. I have corrected a few sentences but it is mostly intact as a thought bubble of the time and a good reminder of the feelings. I would like to point out that there are amazing people who are doing their best to change the industry to be more inclusive, just three of these amazing folks are: Dina Bassile and Maddy Herbert of Tibi Access and now Tibi Agency (I am now represented by Tibi Agency and I will never be too grateful for the faith that Dina has shown in signing me.) Alexis Benedict of Tomboi Records, who I met at BigSound, is paving an incredible pathway for Women, gender diverse and BiPOC folks. Thank you for the work you do. Phil Heuzenroeder from Wild At Heart Community Arts, your support has been invaluable. I no longer work for this organisation but I still support the values of empowering folks with a disability through artistic expression. Saturday 3rd Dec 2022 You could be forgiven that is is an article about my famous fetish for coffee but no, it’s been years since I just sat down and just wrote, usually I just have too much chaff blowing around in my ND (neuro-diverse) brain, but today, being the UN International Day for People’s with Disabilities, it seemed appropriate. A morning walk to Upwey along the Belgrave Rail trail, my laptop safely nestled in my Mono Producers backpack the air and breeze was beautiful. The sun felt restorative after a week stuck at home with COVID. There’s always a strange attraction and repulsion to people, where I do some of my best work, surrounded by cafe dwellers while at the same time wishing that would all shut the fuck up and stop scraping their chairs incessantly on the floor. God I love my noise cancelling headphones. (Thank you Mr Bose) Anyway. I’ve been reflecting on the nature of my involvement in music. A big topic but there is a narrow focus to this one, and that being the ever evolving music industry and how awful it is. Let me state this plainly, I have come to HATE the music industry and what it stands for. There, I said it. Feels good. But HOW do I unpack that? It promises so much, there really is so much beauty and power in this place but really doesn’t deliver any lasting financial reward unless you submit to playing the game. I’m spreading a little avocado on toast as a way of practicing avoidance on this subject, but Mike Eldrington, the wonderful singer/songwriter/performer wrote in a facebook post earlier in the week “you gotta love the grind” and I realised, I really hate the grind, it destroys my musical soul, mind and body and I just don’t want to do it. But does that mean I can’t have a career in music? I understand where Mike is coming from however and I don’t disagree, if you want to play the game of industry, that is what it requires from you, the grind is an embedded part of the game. After attending BigSound earlier this year up in the weirdness that is Fortitude Valley Queensland, I could see the game fully on display and how warm and welcoming it can be for those who play, and how cold it can be for those that don’t unless of course you are one of the few that independently make’s a splash and there are always those who want to exploit that. It was interesting that it really has nothing to do with the music or artistry, rather the eyes are opened to what is going to capture the public’s attention and I applaud any artist that manages to find a schtick that makes a difference. This is all nothing new though, the same thing was there back in 2016 when I did the X-Factor. The rub is, that it required from me an “investment” of around $3000 , (I haven’t actually calculated it but it’s at least this) for a very seemingly vaporous return, it’s not a business decision so much as a wing and a prayer. I’m glad I did it but honestly, it probably wasn’t a smart business move. Maybe time with tell. For someone that’s on a pension, is a single mum and a ND person, this is like a whole years savings. I was really so grateful to be supported and encouraged in this adventure by some lovely supportive folks from Tibi Access and by some people from QMusic. It honestly made a big difference being able to participate, but I don’t want to just participate, I want to earn a living through something I’m good at. The Music Industry is not a friendly place, especially to those with disabilities, mental health challenges, to women, people of colour and gender difference. I have noticed that where there is support for difference, it appears to be fetishised or at least very tokenistic. Myself, being transgender, I have encountered that attitude. In my opinion, the industry only tends to show support, so it can continue to exploit. Rainbow washing, rather than genuinely creating an inclusive and healthy workplace; a genuine platform for voice and artistry. Getting back to the subject of the grind, I have identified three humorous, highly dubious and completely un-researched categories for the “successful artist”. The Gigger Endless days on the road in a station wagon, playing 300 shows a year, busting out tunes 5 shows a week, hustle the merch, book the shows, drive, shake hands, smile, dusty shit